My Witch-In-Law
My Hubby’s Grandmother is certainly not my ideal vision of a French mamie, she doesn’t make jam, she smokes like a pompier and is the rudest, meanest French person I have ever had the bad fortune to come across in person on a regular basis.
One thing I will give her is she is sure damn consistent and she is an excellent dog trainer… read on.
A year of polite “bonjours” and me mostly ignoring her, has come and gone and there haven’t been too many upsets to speak of. We’d kind of settled down into a routine of just saying hi, and then having nothing to do with each other until now. But all that is to end, just like last year – June is obviously her witching month.
Every time I visit the Beaux-Parents, I absolutely dread her visit and was actually relieved at the beginning of the year when she had tripped up (over her broomstick?) and ended up in hospital for a few months. That is a really horrible thing to say and I do feel incredibly guilty for even thinking it, but you do not know how awful this woman is and how much upset she causes everywhere she goes. I will also add that she wasn’t ill at all, and was only kept in the hospital as she couldn’t care for herself at home due to broken bones – which mended incredibly quickly, hence confirming her status as a witch surely? She was up and walking around all over the place a week after going in!
Anyway, onto this weekend. As usual, she arrives and as is custom in this part of France, greets everyone with three pecks on the cheek. Standing next to my Sister in Law whilst she is greeted by the Witch, I wait expectantly my turn, breathing deeply, forcing myself to be calm. Then, in what seemed to be slow motion, the Witch turns to me, stares straight through me, her cold stone eyes hovering in my direction for a few seconds, and then continues turning and walks off. No “Bonjour” was muttered or sign of recognition given.
Rooted to the spot in total disbelief I just stood there gawping. I’d thought we’d got passed this and were at least on polite terms now.
Not so. And she’d obviously trained her dog. Still rooted to the spot, the dog charges at me and wees all over my feet, spraying my brand new shoes with almost fluorescent yellow dog pee (as if he’d been saving it up, especially for me!). I was speechless and then cried out “I don’t belieeevvve it!”, Victor Meldrew style.
The Witch then turned round, looked at me, rolled her eyes and walked off. Not a murmur of an apology. Thankfully Hubby came to the rescue and helped me wash my feet and shoes as I’d turned into helpless zombie like state, incapable to do anything so much I was seething with pure, white anger. The Witch had done it again.
WOW, she is BAAAD!
I have an idea for the dog. You can buy in Carrouf electric fly swatters which work on batteries that look like tennis raquets. Get one and swat the damn dog on the nose. Bet you anything he wouldn’t come near you again.
hehehe (evil laugh)
It gives quite a shock to adults too. You could also try it on the witch’s nose.
I must say my (now dead) G-i-L could be an old bat but nothing on that scale.
Thanks for the suggestion
as evil as it is, I love it!
I would love to fly swat her and her dog! I think it would be a very satisfactory feeling indeed. I don’t think La Belle Mere would take too kindly to it though, I may just get away with the dog!
I still can’t believe the damn thing peed on my feet!
Peeing on your shoes would justify a good kick up the little bugger’s butt.
Plus a hysterical shriek.
Go on, do a Frenchie…
I just bought 2 more of those fly swatters. They are SUCH fun. When a mozzie or anything else comes near, you swat it pressing the button and a very agreeable electric buzz is heard while the little sod is fried to death.
Hours of amusement, I’m tellin’ ya!
Sarah, I’m trying to imagine why you need three. I’ve come up with you either have three arms, or, you keep one in each room. I have a distinct feeling the latter is correct no?
Have definitely got to get a one!!!! Shame shops shut early in France… I would have been in Carrefour like a shot tonight, bloody flies – they’ve all come inside. Even they don’t want to stay outside in the crap weather
u know low much like her from my first post on your blog. Just keep walking- time is on YOUR side( no matter how nasty this might sound) ,one day you will get rid of her
)
Maybe I’ll start cooking her meals?!!
Time is on my side and that’s the only thing that keeps me sain when she’s around!
Maybe for Christmas you could buy her a green jumpsit and coordinating purple hat and cape? No, not a good idea? How about a new broom then? No? Hmmm…
Maybe, next time, instead of waiting for her to say something you should call out, in your calmest voice: ‘Hey granny, how you doin’?’
I’m sorry, I’m coming up with ridiculous suggestions because the woman is just ridiculous. She really is a witch. (I really think the cape and tights are a good idea; wait for Halloween!)
And Rosabell is right; time is on your side. (Unless she really is a witch and then, well…)
hehehheeee! She wore a witches outfit to my Halloween party and it suited her so, so well! So she already has the witches outfit (I’d so forgotten about that) but I will buy her a broom stick for Christmas and then maybe she’ll take the hint? Hubby always leaves me to buy the pressies anyway.
I’ve tried greeting her first in the past and she’s just ignored me or if Hubby is there she’ll reply curtly (yes, she is that wicked). I found out she does the same thing with Sister in Law’s partner and also Hubby’s Dad so at least I know now it’s not just me, even though I seem to get the worst of her!
I really do think she’s a witch and will be with us a long time yet. I think I’ll start looking for a Wizard to cast a spell on her!
The problem with time, is I’ve found crabby-pants people like this seem to live FOREVER! I am amazed at this behavior and amazed the rest of the family puts up with it.
I love Tanya’s idea. Give her a broom for Christmas…no explanations…just for you own pure enjoyment!
Hang in there Piglet.
FOREVER!!! Argghhh! I’ve already told Hubby that if she outlives his parents there is absolutely NO WAY she will stay with us!
The rest of the family try and put up with her, she’s family so they feel sorry for her being old and all on her own with no friends and family other than them. I think they see her out of guilt and pity more than anything else but I do wish they would defend me or put her in her place more often, surely it would be more agreable for everyone? I’m going to have a word I think… But maybe I’ll wait until after Christmas as I’m longing to give her a broomstick now…
ps. A big thank you to you all for your support!
What do your beaux-parents say? Do they defend her? What does your husband say?
Even for an older French lady, that is horrible behavior. You really should let her know directly how you feel. But maybe you already have?
Bon courage and maybe she’ll leave you two lots of money or houses on the Côte d’Azur when she dies.
ha! I wish! She’s as broke as they come and doesn’t have any possessions and barely manages her finances! Her daughter (my belle mere) keeps having to step in…
The BP say to ignore her, that’s she’s a nasty piece of work but that she’s BM Mum and that they feel sorry for her. Hubby ignores her the same as I do but she’s is so so nasty.
I’ve never told her directly how I feel, I think I probably should it certainly couldn’t make anything worse!
That was soo funny to read ! I need to read part un! However, I am soo sorry that she is treating you this way! I can’t imagine.
She she just tryin to see what you are made of? Can you give her some of her own medicine back? I think she would respect that . Since it seems none of the other family stand up to her.
just a theory, wild at best
Thanks for commenting, I’m pleased you chuckled, it is really quite funny once I got over the dog pee!
I don’t think she’s trying to see what I’m made of, I think she is just an unpleasant person who is nasty with everyone except her daughter and grandchildren. I wish her family would stand up to her, I have decided after reading all these comments that I am going to!
I can’t understand how she can be so mean. Is it because you are English?
No, she’s just a witch with everyone other than her flesh and blood. You should hear the stuff she says to people in the village!
Wow. She is really a piece of work… I feel for you. I really hope your hubby keeps standing up for you and that it doesn’t drive any wedges, families can be the most wonderful thing on earth or they can be soul destroying! I suggest that you just continue being coldly polite, it’s far more insulting that any heated exchange, and is something in which the French excel! Bonne chance petit porcelet!
Merci! He’ll keep standing up for me as he knows what she’s like – there’s certainly no love lost there
Oh my goodness — if ever you and I were to meet, we’d need endless pitchers of alcoholic beverages for the Mamie-In-Law story swapping. Out of respect for my hubby, I don’t speak about his grandma on my blog (if I can avoid it) but from what you’ve described there, i’d guess that you and I are unfortunately married into the same family!
Just to make you feel a tiny big better about your situation (or to show you that you are NOT alone!!!) when I first met my Mamie-in-law three years ago, my hubby was still a student and I had come over to work. He paid the deposit and first months rent on our apartment because I didn’t get paid until two or three months later, and I promptly paid him back. Even though I reimbursed every last dime and cent he lent me, she would write me letters about how i’d found myself a lovely French sugar daddy, and how I must feel so smug having found a better life for myself in France than I could have had back in my poor country (um.. the USA). Needless to say, hubby didn’t speak to anybody in his family for nearly a year until they realized theyd lose him if they didn’t try to open up to me a little bit. It’s still a very difficult relationship, far from comfortable or friendly, but I figure they’ll all kick the bucket some day so it won’t kill me to put up with it for awhile.
Between you and me, forget about the guilt over the fall or whatever it was — you can’t help those kinds of feelings after somebody has been so nasty to you, and I know you’re not the only daughter/gdaugher-in-law to have ever thought like that
I understand about commenting on family issues, I try and avoid it here too but she is a “safe” area and Hubby understands I need to let off steam!
OMG, your’s sounds like a right nutcase! Actually far worse than mine so in perspective I shouldn’t be complaining. I’m sorry to hear that it caused a rupture in the family, I really hope nothing like that ever happens to us.
It certainly sounds as if much alcoholic beverages will be required
Next time she is inflicted on you, I suggest that you smile at her, say Abracadabra, wink, make mystical signs with your hands and chant incantations. And you could also take a little bottle of water and sprinkle it over her toes, chanting as you do so. And keep winking every time she looks at you. You might be able to frighten her into cardiac arrest.
LOL
Either she’ll go into cardiac arrest or I’ll be sent to the loony bin!
I am completely agog.
You poor dear! Here’s a thought: karma’s a bitch, and she will have her way with the witch. That rhymed, even!
I am so sorry, and here is to karma speeding up and bringing what’s due to the evil grandmother-in-law!
Nice rhyme Karin! You’re a poet and you don’t even know-it!
Let’s hope karma has her way (I think karma must be feminine surely?)
Ugh! How horrible! And what a terrible little dog too! I really don’t understand people like this. Is it at least possible to drink copious amounts of alcohol when she is around to numb yourself?
hello! Oh, I do, copious, copious amounts believe me! The Belle-Mere always has plenty of alcohol stocked when she knows the two of us will meet. I presume she considers it a precautionary measure. Or, she thinks her daughter-in-law being English drinks for Britain?
hmmmm, I’m feeling a bit guilty about this post today – a HUGE bunch of flowers arrived this morning for Hubby’s and mine wedding anniversary…addressed to both of us! And they were… fr…fr..fr..from the Witch!
It’s as if she was able to read this blog, are there any family members lurking????
I will have to remind myself that leopards do not change their spots or whatever the saying is.
Hysterical! And I thought Italian mothers were bad