Because of what happened to me after the birth of Baby Piglet I didn’t get chance to feel like a Mum for the first five weeks after her birth, but yesterday I really felt different and like a Mum for the first time.
Not being able to care for my baby caused a certain frustration for me and I think put some distance between Baby Piglet and I, as I was only feeding her, not actually caring for her.
Now that I am up and mobile I get to do so much more with her. I can carry her and rock her gently to sleep without yelping in pain scared to death that I’m going to drop her.
I’m finally able to interact with her, to show her the world and care for her, although I’m being careful to share her with her Daddy and Grandparents as I’m rather tempted to keep her all to myself! Although exhausted and still in some pain when I sit or stand for too long, I am the happiest person on Earth.
Yesterday was the first time I went out without her for more than a quick dash to the supermarket. I was gone longer than expected as I had my first appointment with a midwife here for my pelvic floor & abdominal re-education. The appointment lasted forever as the midwife decided it was too early to start and wants me to see a psy as well.
I knew there was some crazy in my head shell but maybe not as much as she saw. Seriously speaking, she thinks I’m traumatized about what happened especially as I keep having nightmares that the compresses were Baby Piglet’s twin and I gave birth a second time.
I have realized that I have to move on for Baby Piglet’s sake, no more pulling the curtains over my eyes (or hiding behind the blinds as Mr Piglet says). I’ve been denying what has happened since we moved in to the new house, thinking I could put it behind me, using the excuse that my medical records have not arrived yet therefore stalling me from doing anything but my frequent nightmares show that the problem is lingering and needs to be addressed.
I have also started talking to Baby Piglet and have explained to her what happened and why Mummy is sad sometimes. Call me a nut but when she looks at me as if she really understands what I’m saying and I think it’s important that she knows what I’m thinking sometimes so that she doesn’t think I have anything against her.
It’s not just me now but me and Baby Piglet and my first real Mummy decision is to address this head on so I can put it behind us once and for all.
On a lighter note, Baby Piglet and the Grandparent went on a walk and met some of the locals the other day. They were extremely friendly and even came closer so that we could take a good picture:
A friendly neighbour
I can’t put in words how sad and angry it makes me to read what you have been going through. I am sure your midwife meant by no means to call you crazy in any way. Getting somebody to help you cope with a situation someone else has put you into is only sensible. Thinking of you, xxx
Thank you for your kind words
I don’t think she thought I was crazy, more that I was suffering a lot and needed help. I think she is a good professional for recognizing it and offering assistance and I am thankful that I have found her.
I’m glad things are falling into place, and best to get issues dealt with early on than left to fester.
Those pelvic exercises are quite bizarre. When I had them done, I had this woman stick a couple of fingers up there and tell me to move certain muscles. I thought about using my new skills to amuse the gallery by hurling out a ping pong ball at parties…
Ha ha! If only the French Secu knew they were paying to fund such party pieces
I am starting my “re-education” today and am not looking forward to it. She won’t be sticking anything up there though, that we have agreed on!
It makes me so sad that you had to endure such pain at the hand of a professional! I think you have a good attitude though and you will come through the other side. You are already doing amazing and have even kept nursing through all the pain. Well done you. The most important advice given to me when I suffered from postnatal depression was that: a happy mum is a happy baby, so take care of your mental health. It is so important. Remember to talk to your husband and family. Being a mother can be lonely but it doesnt have to be that way. How about trying some baby massage to help bonding with little piglet. This helped me too. Here is a post about my low times. http://banbamama.wordpress.com/2010/07/23/the-sky-is-falling-in/
Thank you for your comment and for linking to your story. I am so glad you did. My Husband and I have argued a lot since the birth and we have both felt overwhelmed as he has been caring for both baby and I and dealing with the house move. It has been a very, very hard time and I hope that now things will get better.
I have started to go to Mummy groups in my local area and it’s great to meet other Mummies. I’ve also started to take action against the hospital where I gave birth and am letting the anger out rather than containing it within me.
I’ve got some sweet almond oil and am going to try baby massage. Thanks for suggesting!
Hope you are feeling better soon, Piglet, well done on making the hard decision to move forward and seek out what’s best for you and bub. x x
Thanks Kirsty xxx
It’s funny how the world changes .. one day you are childless and everything is about you and what you want etc and then suddenly there is this helpless little floppy thing that consumes you with love and all the bad stuff really isn’t as bad as it used to be and all the world revolves around that little floppy baby .
You went through quite a trauma and it is normal to want to dwell on what happened to you and what changed the way you planned things to be .. but don’t miss more of the precious times , dwelling on what is past.
Sending much love and healing thoughts, C
I can’t believe how much my world has changed, I know everyone said it would but quite how it has changed was beyond imagination
I wish I could leave the past in the past and alas it is not because I chose to dwell on it that it keeps rearing it’s ugly head but because I have nightmares and the slightest thing sets me off. I learned last week that I have to have my wisdom teeth out and I broke down in tears in the dentists office at the thought of a medical intervention. The poor dentist didn’t know what was happening and I couldn’t be comforted. Thankfully one of his colleagues knew I’d just given birth and figured something had gone wrong and helped me. I am doing all I can to move on now and can’t wait for all of this to be just a distant memory.
Ugh, I just lost everything I just wrote. I hope you feel better soon. Don’t be to rough on yourself. You have every reason to be tramatized. The doctor was completely in the wrong. There was no reason for those compresses to have been forgotten. You could have died. Don’t let this get in the way of enjoying your daughter though. It flies by quickly and before you know it she will not be a baby any longer. She is just happy to cuddle with you! I have had 4 births now and each and everyone have been completely different. 1st) son was born using the vacume. He was totally bruised and looked like he had been in a car wreck. He cried becaus of his head being swollen for weeks. I also tore from one side to another making it impossible to sit or walk for about 6 weeks. 2nd birth went fantastic. 3rd was born via c-section and spent 12 days in NICU because of his heart condition and number 4 was born last week 5 weeks early via c-section. Now I am having some back trouble from the epidural. All in all I am glad each and everyone are here and doing well. I think we tend to be rough on ourselves at times like these because we have a picture of how it should have been. The thing is it is rarely that way. However, the experience wasn’t any less valuable because it wasn’t. Before you now this you will be feeling 100% and all of this will seem like a very bad dream. I wouldn’t let this experience stop you having another child if that is what you want. Your next experience will be completely different. Hugs from across the atlantic!
Congratulations on your new baby! I wish I had chance to visit more blogs and spend some time on the internet these days but it’s hard and I barely get time to come on here
Its amazing how different your birth experiences have been and very encouraging too.
For the moment Mr Piglet and I are pretty much decided that Baby Piglet will be an only child but we haven’t always felt this way.
Baby Piglet has already grown so much and this is what makes me angry now. I am only just starting to be able to walk around holding her and I feel as if I have missed precious moments because I wasn’t capable of looking after her. I’m determined not to miss anymore, she is so special and changing every day.
I’m glad that you are finally getting to experience being and feeling like a mom, Piglet. I think what happened to you was very unfair, but addressing it and working through it is the best thing that you can do for yourself and for your little one and i’m glad to hear that’s what you’re doing. There’s no shame in what you are feeling and I can assure you (as can every other mom who is honest with herself) that it’s normal, and although I didn’t break any bones evacuating mine, I do feel your pain. Before you know it, this will all be far behind you, and you’ll be making way for all those lovely emotions to come in and take over. I promise you that it just gets better every day.
I also talk to little V all the time whether i’m feeling up or feeling down, and I hope that some day he’ll know how to express his emotions too and won’t feel like he has to hide anything from me.
big virtual hugs to you and your little one, and remember, you’re never alone. there’s loads of us out there cheering you on and thinking good thoughts for you. xx
Thanks Amber. I’m sure little V appreciates you talking to him and I’m sure that sharing your feelings with your baby will help him be able to express his emotions later in life too.
I was sorry to read on FB that you’re having horrible problems in your neighbourhood, come and seek some calm here in the countryside with me
Hope you are ok? Things have been hard but I bet you are doing great and being a fantastic Mum to your little girl. I definitely think you need to talk about what happened with someone as your body/mind is obviously trying to analyse what happened and sue the arses of the people that made the terrible error… xxx
Hi Claire. I’m okayish, everyday is a step in the right direction although nights are the hardest as I can’t keep the nightmares away
I have an appt with a psy next Monday and saw a lawyer yesterday so things are starting to be done.
It’s been a difficult time for you so don’t be too hard on yourself. My daughter had all sorts of problems too for the first month or so, which left her feeling useless and wretched, but now, lik you, she’s coming out of it and starting to enjoy her new baby. It will get better…but take good care of yourself. Sending you lots of love xxx
I’m so sorry your daughters problems lasted so long as well, it is so horribly frustrating and heartbreaking not to be able to look after your baby. I hope she is fully recovered soon and is able to make the most of each instant with her baby.
I experienced a pretty serious bout of post-partum depression after my 2nd child (of 3) was born, and it sounds a lot like what you are dealing with. Please go talk to someone and get some advice on how to deal with your thoughts and feelings. It made all the difference in the world to me and made me much better equipped to connect with my daughter. There’s nothing wrong with you and you deserve to feel like yourself again and not feel guilty! Best of luck to you~
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and share your experience, I really appreciate it and it makes me feel less alone
What a beautiful set of responses in comments, Piglet. I read each one, and everyone already said everything I would, too.
I guess the only thing I would add is that there is only the Here & Now — I hope that you can release the trauma (for that’s just what it was, with PTSD and all!) and be in the present with your wee one, moment to moment. Sounds like you are on the right path for that. I’m so glad that things are looking up for you & feeling better daily. Hang in there! Much love to you as you continue to heal, body and mind. xx Karin