Mr Piglet is often witness to money issues tearing families apart and has recently been a unwilling spectator in a very spectacular family bust up where a family is literally being torn to shreds for a few thousand Euros.
Having been through times where we’ve had no money, plenty of money and then no money again, I think I can say that I know what money is but I also know the value of it and its place in my life. It’s nice to have money, it certainly makes life easier, but it is not a priority when it comes to family. I personally would much rather have my family than money.
So going back to Mr Piglet story: He recently sold, or at least thought he had, a house to a young couple looking to buy their first home. The house was the result of a typical French inheritance. Father passes away, half the house goes to the children whilst the Mother remains living in it. These days’ children are spread out all over the place and the mother wished to remain living in her home even though she couldn’t maintain it. One of the children in a village nearby and took on the role as carer giver, caretaker and everything else that goes with looking after an elderly parent.
When the Mother passed away, the nearby daughter wished to purchase her siblings share of the property, but they couldn’t agree a price and therefore agreed that they would sell it and split the proceeds. So they put the property on the market a year ago with pretty much every local agent.
During this time, nobody really looked after the property. The winter was cold; the spring came with plenty of sun and rain, ideal conditions for making an overgrown garden. The property started to tire like it’s previous owners and started to look (and feel) neglected. Little efforts were made such as trying to mow the law and pulling up some weeds, but the property deteriorated and in a market where prices are falling, nobody was willing to pay the owners asking price.
So along came Mr Piglet with two keen buyers. They were young, keen DIYers which is quite rare for young couples in France, and were willing to take on the project. They knew they were somewhat limited by budget but they could see through the cobwebs and the weeds and spotted the potential which lay behind.
Mr Piglet negotiated the price with the lady representing the owners; he had checked that she had power of attorney to act on behalf of the other brother and sisters which she did. He negotiated his commission right now to a mere two thousand Euros which was not even 1.5%. He was happy though, as the house was a good deal and the young couple would settle nicely there but only had a very limited budget and the owners wouldn’t negotiate any further.
Then out of the blue, he received a call from one of sisters living abroad. The air became tense in the office and she refused to accept the offer. Apparently her sister, the care giver, was asking for a larger split than the other siblings and the other siblings didn’t want to accept.
In the following days, emails between the siblings ensued, a family row had really broken out and Mr Piglet was copied in absolutely every email. It was like a whole seasons worth of Dallas unfolding in his inbox – he was only missing the actors and it could have been a multi-million dollar television serial. I happened to read one of the latter emails and couldn’t believe how for the sake of the extra 2 000 Euros the care giver wanted, this family were willing to rip each other to shreds in front of a spectator with little care of regard for the fact that this was their parents home.
All they cared about was money, money and more money.
Is this really what our world has come to? It would appear to be yes, but please reassure me that there are people out there that place more value on family than money?
How sad! Similar in our family, both mine (grandmother’s inheritance to her children/grandchildren) and in laws too! I tried to keep out of the squabbling on both sides, was awful to see. I’d rather have nothing than the warfare that happens!
I agree wholeheartedly with you Karen. So sad!
Wen I first started in law an elderly colleague who specialised in wills and suchlike told me that if I thougt criminals would stop at nothing I should just wait until I saw a family at war over a will.
Speechless! Would never have believed it if I hadn’t experienced it. I wonder how your colleague managed to deal with them all the time, would have drive n me mad!
unfortunately it rarely has anything to do with money, but the childhood strife all conflicts which have not been resolved between ea person during their childhood ….. and money becomes the weapon of choice…..
Annie v.
Think you have a point Annie, it’s definitely past conflicts that came to surface here.
Hello! Enjoy hearing about your life in France so much. (I’m in the USA)
I might offer you this:
Tho, sometimes these kinds of family squabbles are about cash, often it goes MUCH deeper than that. Sibling rivalry, control, guilt, poor family communication , dysfunctional family dynamics (for generations) are played out in this arena.
It’s certainly disturbing on so many levels but so very common.
What appears as such easy solutions to us on the outside looking in, those in the middle are clearly riddled with emotions and discord, that unless you know the family history, is very difficult to understand.
I’m middle aged and have seen this over and over with friends and co workers families.
It is certainly crazy making but sadly, all to common in this world.
Thanks for the thought provoking post. :)
aw thank you :) Where in the US are you?
Annie’s comment (above) also mentioned past conflicts and that money is just a weapon and got me thinking and I really agree with what you say about the squabbles going much deeper. This is something that really upset me, I don’t see my family much but I would hate to think that the little links we do have could be destroyed in such a way.
Seems like I agree with the previous comments, I doubt it’s about money. It’s probably about resentment that one child “was closer” than the others, or one daughter feels like she had no choice about taking on the added responsibility. Grief that both parents are gone (maybe they are squabbling because selling the house is the last step in realizing that the parents have died?), or a feud about something else coming across in the fight over money. It can be very hard to decipher such things from heat-of-the-moment emails, but I do not envy your husband the position in the middle of things. Bon courage!
You’re right Liene, one of the siblings poured their heart out to my husband (who I have reminded him is not a social worker) and it does go way back and there is a LOT of resentment. Such a shame…
Sadly, far too often family relations are destroyed over a few thousand $. Interesting that this disputes revolves around caregiving for a senior parent by an adult child. I run a company that operates senior living communities and far too often we see families break down over time and resources given by one child that is not appreciated/valued enough by the siblings. I hope he will get his deal done.
That can’t be an easy thing to see on a regular basis Michel, no wonder you live in beautiful Provence :-) I don’t care if Mr Piglet gets the deal done and I don’t think he does either. He’s advised the nice young couple to carry on looking whilst the siblings sort themselves out. Now nearly a month later they are still at the same stage.
It is amazing and sad how things change when money is involved.
yes and really scary! Although some good comments above suggesting that unresolved conflict is actually the source of the problem.
I’ve recently seen a situation where two children of an elderly man had him sign a new will that cut the other siblings out of their share. He had had two strokes and wasn’t really coherent, though it was having to go to court to prove since he died before anyone knew that he had signed changes. Anyway, the other siblings ran out of money suing the others and they actually got away with it. The whole community surrounding them though sees them through different eyes now and I wouldn’t be surprised if they sell out and move away. If they reap what they sow, I would hate to be in their shoes. Sad and disturbing.
That’s awful! I do think there should be better protection in place for elderly people but we have just experienced (yes, another experience) a lady that is placed under such protection in France and has been taken advantage of by the association that is supposed to provide her with the protection.
I hope those people do move away, they sound like rotten eggs and not good people to have in your community :(
I am afraid that this is the way children see adults behave, learn from their parents and those around them and it results in this sort of behavior/mentality.
When money is not the all important thing in life, then people can start to behave better … but I don’t see that happening any time soon .
Thanks for commenting Candice, it is really disturbing and I think you may be right even though I really hope you are wrong and I hope that my daughter will never, ever see me or my husband behave in such a way.
When I become Emperor (of France) I shall immediately pass a law that restricts inheritance (having just been through a very similar experience – in my next life I shall certainly come back as an only child or orphan – it’s got to be far easier that way!) to just 25% of the total inheritance, being equally distributed between all children (natural, adopted or unofficial) with the rest of the money either going to the state or to charity (I think that the deceased should have the choice – preferably before he or she dies?)
What will this do?
1). No silly family squabbles! Which means…
2). No silly fees for the lawyers trying to sort out those silly family squabbles!
3). More money for the state (thus, no budget deficits!)
4). More money for charities (thus, an end to third world hunger!)
5). No faffing around trying to buy a house owned by a recently deceased person only to find that 15 of the 16 children want one price for it and the 16th wants a few quid more.
And the drawbacks?
1). The children of the deceased will only be able to buy a new Renault Clio (rather than a new Porsche) with Daddy’s money (but I guess that’ll keep Froggies in work rather than Krauts in works? Which means less Chomage which means lower taxes which means more money in our pockets which means we can all spend more money on stuff which means that fewer shops go bust which means more taxes for the government which means less taxes for us which means….?)
2). Um… I can’t actually think of any other drawbacks!
All the best
Keith
P.S. You know, I really should have gone into politics!
YAY! Nice to see you Keith :-)
You know I would definitely vote for you if you went into politics? Damn it, I would even apply for French nationality to vote if you wanted to stand for president :-)
Loving your inheritance laws, think they would be FANTASTIC and cut out all the sh**e that happens in France. However, do you really think more money collected in way of taxes for the government because we spend more will mean less taxes for us? I reckon they would just spend more on fruit baskets!
So many people here rely on inheritance and they talk about it so openly like “when maman dies I will get the house, I wonder how much I’ll be able to sell it for?”
Oh I know what families can be like fighting over wills, My ex mother-in-law had a massive fight with her sister and eventually walked away from it all to keep the peace which of course it didn’t really do! The sister happily took everything but they never spoke again. Thankfully I am an only child! Diane
Sounds as if your ex MiL did the only thing she could really do and I am sorry she was taken advantage of and left with nothing. That is so sad and awful to think they never spoke again :(
Hello Sharon, long time no see! I have stopped by to say hello to you and your blog and after I started reading the post I felt like commenting, too! In my country, Romania, the situation described in your post replicates by the thousand. Most of the parents, be it a couple or a widowed one, stay in their house until they die and then children come start dealing with the inheritance. The way they deal with it is, hmm, not much different to everything you have described. Most of the family talk over it and decide on a common ground what to do with the house and the rest but, as some already mentioned, there are cases when people just don’t get along and nasty things happen. And it is not only that. The law devides the properties, but individuals do not settle for the law only, they sometimes feel they need compensation from the other brothers/sisters for various past situations when they either put their money or time in the property or in supporting their parents. Or they feel that a certain point one of them got more from their parents and they were deprived od some money or something they see it as a legitimate right. Nice families talk about it and reach consesnsus, others don’t. There are so many cases when they go to court and fight over long years! The legals system in my country is practically copy/paste from the French one, so armies of lawyers have something to do and energies are lost in endless battles. :) I don’t think it is sensible but it happens so often that it should be human nature!
It was good to read you again, I have so much to catch on!
HI Rosabell, lovely to see (read) you, how are you doing? It has been a long time but I must be honest and say that I haven’t blogged much (although you have probably discovered that by now!).
So it would appear to be the same the world over which isn’t a surprise but is upsetting. Maybe I am just very naive and really hope that I will never have to experience this but I do have French family so I guess one day I will find myself in this situation.
It does give one hope when you say “nice families talk about it and reach consesnsus, others don’t.”, makes me believe that normal people do also exist which is reassuring :)
I saw this article and thought this might restore your faith in people in France!
http://mobile.nytimes.com/2014/09/23/opinion/roger-cohen-truths-of-a-french-village.html?_r=2&referrer=
Louise x